Back when I was sitting on my forest floor in my newly created light gap with out a clue how to proceed I remembered a quote by Einstein. ”you can’t solve your problems using the same thinking that created it”. Some other really smart person made the observation that if you want to change something in your life – you’re going to have to change something in your life. In my last post I talked about realizing that paradigms and thought processes were not fact – were not concrete – they were simply what I was enculturated to believe – If a thought truly does create a thing and then a life – well – I’m all about and all over change - now.
“Beliefs are simply theories that have yet to be disproven” – Raiana Golden
How long did the faithful firmly hold onto the idea that the world was indeed flat until proven it wasn’t? How many still think the Holocaust was propaganda? I digress…. My mission is to disprove myown longheld and closely guarded belief system – my threadbare and worn theories in the single minded pursuit of a life – a real one. Defined by Me. Call me a hedonist but I want to experience the full on pleasure of a life sensually, consciously – well and truly lived before I peg out… Here is the current ‘how’of it -
After the tornado rolled over my house of cards - I stood over all that’s left – at the top of the stairs to the dark,dank basement of my particular past. The past I’d spent a lifetime running from, achieving from, proving myself away from, numbing away from with all manner of behavior – anything to endeavor not to have to look – to remember. And here I am – full circle. At the beginning. Again… Damn. Heavy sigh. All manner of expletives. I know if I don’t go down those stairs I will never get beyond this particular vantage point. I will never have the gift of a different perspective promised in the Three Shades. I will only be what I am now. There absolutely has to be more than this….. If not – well – they shoot horses don’t they?
On the trail, on the scent, digging blind through the detrius to find the voice long forgotten – noose marks hardly forgotten – or forgiven – yet……
Braving the stairs to the basement – finally – I have at least brought the boxes to the surface – to the light of day. Surveying the scene I have major visible shoulder slump – I had no idea there was so much. It’s going to take a year just to open them all much less plow through the contents. I have no one but myself to blame for starting this process…….. No stone unturned? Whatever….. More expletives….. Soldiering on…
The journey through the contents of my past still ahead of me and not withstanding – now that my basement is at least empty of my boxes – I look around and notice that while still dank, damp and overrun with god-knows-what……it has good bones. The beams and columns are solid, the floor level – there is possibility here – later… The excavation begins…..